New Years?

It hurts to breathe. That moment where every part of you feels broken. Shattered..Irrepairable. I hate it. I hate feeling so broken and sad and lost. I dont have to act tough today so I'm taking advantage of it. I want to cry and mope around and feel sorry for myself. It's long overdue. Everyone has good days and bad days. I know this, and I miss my babies. I miss my family....I dont want the new year to come , I want to redo my last year over. I want a fucking do over.

Merry Christmas and Happy Conflictions.

So basically I wrote this because I need an outlet. I don't really want to talk about my problems but I want them to go away. One good mess creates another..and then another....until all you're left with is a pile of filth that you have nothing else to do but clean up and keep going from there. Keep going until your feet can't move anymore. Moving despite the urge to sulk and cry and scream like your inner child wants. I hate this..... I hate him......I mean I love him...but you know what I mean. How did everything go from "I love you, I want to marry you." With flowers and chocolates and a family and you think wow, this is a good thing. Slowly realizing how naive those thoughts were when you fast forward seven years later to a failed relationship with two kids who are now the object of both parents who are trying to keep their shit together. They're the only reason I'm remotely sane. God bless them <3 br=""> Right now, honestly over two weeks after the fact and I feel numb. Among the other things I feel like regret and anger and disappointment. Why did it take you seven years to realize I was a good thing? Why did you wait for me to fall out of love with you to decide I was worth it? After everything.......... after all the times I tried and how desperate I was just to get your attention and then you give it to me when it's too late? When feelings are already gone and literally the only things holding us together are our children and a thread of love, because after all those years there is still love. Not much but it was something.

So many questions that I know even if I had the answers it wouldn't be sufficient for me. I know apart of all the demise and deterioration I was to blame. You can't fight by yourself....with the exception of bipolar individuals. Anyways, it's done. What's done is done and there's no point dwelling on it....right? I mean I should be moving on with my life, but some sappy, pathetic part of me back in august when we tried to work things out- apart of me really wanted that.. Although that nagging feeling that it wouldn't have worked anyways still lingered. Have I moved on? Not a chance. Can I? ............................................I guess we'll find out.

Maybe I'll make that my New Years resolution to try and not fuck things up in the new year....focus on the girls...a house...a vehicle......and then....after I've accomplished these things (on my own!) Will I consider finding someone for myself.

I'm tired of relying on people who will let me down, so at least if it's me....I'll make an honest effort to do so and I let myself down...well that's unfathomable since I'm entirely too epic for the world. :)

Christmas Eve......with almost all my family <3 nbsp="" p="">
The one person missing, I won't worry about because I know despite everything and probably the amount of lies and resentment he's heard about me, he's being taken care of. Love doesn't dimish ever so quickly.

A special spot remains for you in my heart........SB.